From kbuyukat@mail.coin.missouri.edu Tue Mar  4 11:16:21 1997
Date: Mon, 2 Dec 1996 06:59:50 -0600 (CST)
From: Kaya Buyukataman <kbuyukat@mail.coin.missouri.edu>
To: ** ITUMD ** ISTANBUL TEKNIK UNIVERSITESI MEZUNLARI DERNEGI ULUSLARARASI
     KURULUSU <itumeztr@sariyer.cc.itu.edu.tr>
Subject: PETEK c2 s3 1 AralIk 1996 [5/6] (fwd)

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================================================================================
7.     Mizah
================================================================================
7.1    Nasreddin Hoca'dan ve TorunlarIndan,                   Nalan Arsoy Gainer
7.2    Deep Toughts (by Jack Handey),                                Faruk Oksuz
7.3    Is there really a Santa?,                                     Faruk Oksuz
7.4    Psychiatric Hotline,                                          Faruk Oksuz
7.5    Help Desk Hall of Shame,                                     Bulent Catay
7.6    The Engineers are the Smartests!!!,                     Sedef Buyukataman
================================================================================


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.1    Nasreddin Hoca'dan ve TorunlarIndan
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The latest and best  work on our beloved  Nasreddin Hoca comes from  a team
of two  Turkologists, Dr.  Warren S.  Walker &  Dr. Ahmet  E. Uysal.  Their
grand  work  consists  of  two  large  volumes,  'Tales  Alive  in  Turkey'
(Lubbock, Texas, 1990)  and 'More Tales  Alive in Turkey'  (Lubbock, Texas,
1992).  The  team  criss-crossed  Turkey  11  times,  often going to little
villages  which  even  the  urban  Turk  today  would  have  considered too
uninteresting and impossible  places where one  could extract any  cultural
heritage. In answering a question about  how he was received and what  kind
of cultural barriers he encountered  during his visits, Dr. Walker  touched
on one Turkish characteristic: how our peasants would first make sure  they
understood what exactly  is wanted, become  comfortable with the  issue and
then open their arms with  the greatest hospitality imaginable to  give all
they could to satisfy the guest.

The team, when entering a village,  would first go to the muhtar  who would
welcome them and, over many cups of tea they would be asked to explain  who
they were and where they come  from. Then the muhtar would pose,  sigh, and
ask them the same  questions again. Perhaps a  whole day would be  spent in
this process and the hext day the village religious leader, the hoca  would
come and ask them  the same questions again.  And then, at some  point, the
muhtar would pose and say:

'You honor us with your presence. How can we help you?'

Then  the  folktales  would  be  told,  and the guests would be wonderfully
entertained and fed for a few  days. Usually the people were very  poor and
the  cost  of  entertainment  was  obviously  great  for the villagers. But
hospitality was  a duty  and a  privilege, so  of course  no money could be
offered and  even provisions  would be  refused. But  Dr. Walker discovered
that tea  and sugar  were in  short supply,  so on  each trip thereafter he
would take supplies of  both. He would never  offer them to the  villagers,
however, but would  ask if he  might be allowed  to give these  presents to
the village  children. Yes,  he was  told, he  might give  presents to  the
children. The tea  and sugar thus  were enjoyed by  the whole village.  All
concerned  had  behaved  with  honour  and  with understanding, and all had
gained from the meeting. For the  West, the result was a unique  collection
of remarkable  folktales, for  the villagers,  a friend  whom they welcomed
back on every subsequent visit.'

Sent by: Nalan Arsoy Gainer <ptcorg@erols.com>


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.2    Deep Toughts (by Jack Handey)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.

				====

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

				====

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around.  That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?"  You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

				====

One thing kids like is to be tricked.  For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
				
				====

He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke.  I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
				
				====

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.
				
				====

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?"  "No, I'm sorry.  That's as far as it shoots."
				
				====

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?  And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful
painting with his feet.  And also, you're drunk.
				
				====

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
				
				====

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying."  And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
				
				====

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
				
				====

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography
and the dancers hit each other.
				
				====

I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
				
				====

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
				
				====

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
				
				====

Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself.  MANKIND.  Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind."
				
				====

What do these words mean?  It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
				
				====

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
				
				====

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.  And I
guess that's what I like about it.  It's easy.  Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
				
				====

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
				
				====

To me, clowns aren't funny.  In fact, they're kinda scary.  I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the
circus and a clown killed my dad.
				
				====

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again,
I sat there thinking about life.  Was it nothing more than a bunch of
honking and yelling?  Sometimes it seemed that way.
				
				====

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
				
				====

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in
my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but
it's just eggs hatching.
				
				====

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
				
				====

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk?
				
				====

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and
stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to
sleep.
				
				====

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
				
				====

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
				
				====

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the
police.  But then I got curious about it.  I picked it up, and started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
				
				====

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage.  Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
that out too.  Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
				
				====

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to.  Then on the way out, slam the door.
				
				====

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading
a magazine.
				====
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks.  But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.
				
				====

Broken promises don't upset me.  I just think, why did they believe me?
				
				====

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
				
				====

If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you think a
good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?  Trust me, it's
not.
				
				====

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
				
				====

Consider the daffodil.  And while you're doing that, I'll be over here,
looking through your stuff.
				
				====

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a
slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
				
				====

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute!  I thought we won!"
				
				====

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me
a lot of money."
				
				====

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
				
				====

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.  That's
a common mistake.  You have to let nudity "happen."


Sent by: Faruk Oksuz <fxoksuz0@CCMAIL.wcc.com>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.3    Is there really a Santa?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

     1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species
     of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these  are
     insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying  reindeer,
     which only Santa has ever seen.

     2) There are 2 billion children  (persons under 18) in the world.  BUT
     since Santa doesn't (appear) to  handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish  and
     Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378
     million  according  to  Population  Reference  Bureau.  At  an average
     (census)  rate  of  3.5  children  per  household, that's 91.8 million
     homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

     3)  Santa  has  31  hours  of  Christmas  to  work with, thanks to the
     different  time  zones  and  the  rotation  of  the earth, assuming he
     travels east to  west (which seems  logical). This works  out to 822.6
     visits per second.  This is to  say that for  each Christian household
     with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of
     the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute  the
     remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left,
     get back up the chimney, get back  into the sleigh and move on to  the
     next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are  evenly
     distributed around the  earth (which, of  course, we know  to be false
     but for the purposes of our  calculations we will accept), we are  now
     talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2  million
     miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least  once
     every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

     This means  that Santa's  sleigh is  moving at  650 miles  per second,
     3,000  times  the  speed  of  sound.  For  purposes of comparison, the
     fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves  at
     a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run,  tops,
     15 miles per hour.

     4)  The  payload  on  the  sleigh  adds  another  interesting element.
     Assuming that each  child gets nothing  more than a  medium-sized Lego
     set (2  pounds), the  sleigh is  carrying 321,300  tons, not  counting
     Santa,  who   is  invariably   described  as   overweight.  On   land,
     conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even  granting
     that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the  normal
     amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200
     reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of
     the sleigh -  to 353,430 tons.  Again, for comparison  - this is  four
     times the weight of Queen Elizabeth (the ship).

     5) 353,000  tons traveling  at 650  miles per  second creates enormous
     air resistance - this  will heat the reindeer  up in the same  fashion
     as spacecraft  re-entering the  earth's atmosphere.  The lead  pair of
     reindeer will absorb  14.3 QUINTILLION joules  of energy. Per  second.
     Each. In  short, they  will burst  into flame  almost instantaneously,
     exposing the reindeer  behind them, and  create deafening sonic  booms
     in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within  4.26
     thousandths  of  a  second.  Santa,  meanwhile,  will  be subjected to
     centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times  greater than gravity. A  250-pound
     Santa (which seems  ludicrously slim) would  be pinned to  the back of
     his sleigh  by 4,315,015  pounds of  force. In  conclusion -  If Santa
     ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Sent by: Faruk Oksuz <fxoksuz0@CCMAIL.wcc.com>


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.4    Psychiatric Hotline
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1- repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you  are paranoid-delusional,  we know  how you  are and  what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you  are schizophrenic,  listen carefully  and a  little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it  doesn't matter which number you  press. No
one will answer.

If you have memory loss and don't remember who you were calling, hang up.

Sent by: Faruk Oksuz <fxoksuz0@CCMAIL.wcc.com>


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.5    Help Desk Hall of Shame
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

ANNOYING HELP DESK RESPONSES SHOW THAT USERS AREN'T THE ONLY DUMMIES

(From Info World, June 10 1996: (by Ed Foster))

- You say your computer won't turn on? Have you run scandisk?

- I think you should reinstall everything and try again. Call
  back if it still doesn't work.

- Don't worry about it, it is fixed in the next release.

- I don't know how to fix that. I recommend you reformat the drive.

- I can't tell you what that error message means. It is confidential
  information.

- It can't be fixed, it is hard-wired into the software.

- I don't care how technical you are. We have to go through my checklist.
  First, are you sure the PC is plugged in?

- Remote user: My modem doesn't work.
  Help desk: Sorry we are not allowed to help remote users over the phone.
             Please send a message regarding to your problem via e-mail.

Sent by: Bulent Catay <catay@mail.grove.ufl.edu>


--------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.6    The Engineers are the Smartests!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three  engineers  and  three  accountants  were  traveling  by  train  to a
conference. At the station, the  three accountants each bought tickets  and
watched as the three engineers bought only a single ticket. "How are  three
people going  to travel  on only  one ticket?"  asked an accountant. "Watch
and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all boarded  the train. The  accountants took their  respective seats,
but all three engineers crammed into a restroom and closed the door  behind
them.  Shortly  after  the  train  departed,  the  conductor  came   around
collecting tickets.  He knocked  on the  restroom door  and said,  "Ticket,
please." The  door opened  just a  crack and  a single  arm emerged  with a
ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this  and agreed it was  quite a clever idea.  So after
the  conference,  the  accountants  decided  to  copy  the engineers on the
return trip and save  some money (being clever  with money, and all  that).
When they got to  the station, they bought  a single ticket for  the return
trip. To  their astonishment,  the engineers  didn't buy  a ticket  at all.
"How  are  you  going  to  travel  without  a  ticket?"  said one perplexed
accountant. "Watch and you'll see, "answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a  restroom
and the three  engineers crammed into  another nearby. The  train departed.
Shortly afterward, one of the  engineers left his restroom and  walked over
to the restroom where the accountants  were hiding. He knocked on the  door
and said, "Ticket, please."

Sent by: Sedef Buyukataman <DeffieMac@aol.com>

================================================================================


================================================================================
8.     Dilimiz, Deyimlerimiz ve AtasOzlerimiz
================================================================================

Bu ObeGimizde yer vermek istediGimiz

        - Bilim dili olarak TUrkCenin kullanIlmasI;

        - YabancI dilden TUrkCeye geCen kelimeler Uzerine yazIlar;

        - Deyimlerimiz ve AtasOzlerimiz Uzerine yazIlar;

        - YabancI dillerle ortak olan deyimlerimiz

konularIndaki yazIlarInIzla katkIlarInIzI bekliyoruz.

PETEK YayIn Kurulu

================================================================================