Okuma Süresi: 6 Dakika
Thursday, August 7, 2014
PENNSYLVANIA’S WAR NOW ON TWO FRONTS
Izmir beachhead established. PKK raids Gülen Gang in Saylorsburg, Pa.
Candy, flowers and laughing women. Weeping, cursing and shoeboxes.
Harrisburg, August 7, 2014
By Max Placid / McClatchy Newspapers
In a morning mist, Pennsylvania’s paramilitary forces landed on the Turkish coast at Izmir on August 4. They met no resistance but they did encounter a jubilant Turkish crowd who greeted the Pennsylvanians by bombarding them with Turkish delight candy and Atatürk flowers. As the Rocky Balboa Brigade, an elite unarmed (except for their fists) attack force, sprinted down Martyrs Street, hilariously laughing women streamed into the Kordon, Izmir’s magnificent seaside esplanade. “Go Rocky!” they screamed through tears of joy, “Get Bulent for us!” Of course, they werereferring to the hapless Turkish deputy prime minister who bizarrely admonished Turkish women for laughing in public. It seemed to the surprised Pennsylvanians that they were participating in some sort of weird liberation. As the Balboa Brigade veered left onto Kemalpasha Street tables of sliced melon, white cheese and glasses of rakı (the Turkish national beverage) appeared. But the highly disciplined Pennsylvanians ignored the temptation. “Yo Turks! On the way back! On the way back!” shouted Colonel Rocky Balboa, brigade commander. It was obvious that their immediate objective was not Izmir.
On the home front, on the same day as the Izmir landing, Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett launched a pre-emptive pre-dawn raid on the CIA safe-house of an alleged imam, Fethullah Gülen. Gülen is a longtime, infamous ally of the Turkish prime minister. Both have been previously convicted—Gülen in absentia—of seditious behavior. Governor Corbett, now commander-in-chief of the hastily formed Pennsylvania Kombat Kommand (PKK), announced that he is fully aware of the conspiracy between the current Turkish government and what has been labeled the “Hey Pennsylvania” movement. “Gülen and Erdoğan are cut from the cloth,” said Corbett and elaborated in the following statement:
“Together they have conspired to destroy Turkish democracy. They have used the most disgusting, criminal methods in their treason. And I am ashamed to say that America’s CIA aided and abetted their crimes. Regardless of what others may think or say, the people of Pennsylvania have no place for these ‘religious’ two-faced criminals. An undercover gang in Pennsylvania will be quickly uprooted and brought to justice. And that’s the reason for the raid by the PKK.”
The Pennsylvania Kombat Kommand (PKK) is another quickly assembled strike team consisting of a highly-trained special weapons contingent of state policewomen, Pittsburgh Penguin hockey players and the starting lineup of the Philadelphia Phillies baseball team. All three groups are skilled in insertions, extractions and evacuations.
The raid of Gülen’s hideout at 1857 Mt. Eaton Road in Saylorsburg, often referred to as “Feto’s Farm,” was a complete success. Silence prevailed as the Kombat Kommand encircled the premises. Guards at the front gate were neutralized by Jimmy Rollins, the Phillies shortstop, who leveled his bat at the two gatekeepers. One of them, a Turk named Imdat Aptal, volunteered immediately to act as an interpreter. In appreciation, Rollins generously autographed Aptal’s copy of Pearls of Wisdom, by F. Gülen.
Thus having secured the entrance, a barrier of interlocking hockey sticks was implaced by the defensemen of the Pittsburgh Penguins. (Note: Being summer, the Penguins wore roller skates in this operation.)
“No one can pass!” ordered Rollins.
“Kimse geçemez!” echoed Aptal.
Immediately thereafter an impenetrable defensive perimeter was established by Rollins baseball teammates and the Penguins.
Meanwhile great wailing and lamentation came from the main house. Beddua this and beddua that, here a beddua, there a beddua, and every so often the word “parallel” was heard .
“What’s all this yelling about beddua?” asked A.J. Burnett, the Phillies big right-handed starting pitcher.
“The boss is angry again,” said Aptal. “He’s bedduaing, I mean, cursing and talking to Allah.”
“Yeah? Well you come with me and tell him that he better watch his mouth and that he’s being busted in the name of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.”
“Of course,” said Aptal.
Behind the mansion a backhoe was digging huge holes in a green field. Inside the mansion, sobs were gushing from the main office, as smiling police women searched Gülen and his premises. The air was electric. The full horror story of religious intrigue, espionage, prostitution, forgery, blackmail, narcotics trafficking, judicial corruption and treason might soon be revealed.
It was. The bookcases in the main office were not bookcases at all. Officer Mary Jane Stonebreaker leaned against a copy of Love and Tolerance, also by F. Gülen. and—wow!—the bookshelves suddenly swung open to reveal a vast storage vault. Endless ranks and rows of boxes filled the space. A warehouse of shoeboxes!
“Who lives here, Imelda Marcos?” asked the astonished police officer. “What the heck is this place? A shoe factory or something?”
Ryan Howard, his 36-ounce Louisville Slugger bat acting as her backup weapon, opened one of the boxes, this one labeled T. Erdog.
“This is a money factory, Officer Stonebreaker.”
“Gee, I only touched the book,” said the policewomen with an ironic laugh. “What would have happen if I read it?”
“Yeah,” agreed Howard, “I make 25 million dollars a year with the Phillies. These guys make that much in a day. We’re both in the wrong business.”
“But at least we’re honest,” said Officer Stonebreaker.
“Yeah,” said the big first baseman, “Let’s find this creep so you can bust him.”
Meanwhile the results of the outside excavation and the inside investigation were being displayed in the lobby. In addition to firearms and enough explosive devices to launch Pennsylvania into the afterlife, evidence of the long-term, continuing connection of the subversive relationship between the Gülen movement and the Erdoğan government abounded, to wit:
A box of counterfeit Marmara University graduation diplomas.
30 years of handwritten correspondence, birthday cards, thank-you notes and travel post cards between Gülen and Erdoğan. The latest from Erdoğan, dated July 4, 2014 and encoded in Turkic-English as follows:
DEER ESTEAMED FRIEND FETO, WE SHURE FOOLING THEM NOW. ALL THINK PARRRALLLELLL STATES IS TROO. HA HA HA. TANKS A LOT FOR STASH FOR KASH. I WILL BE A PRECEDENT OF TURKEY SOON NOW FOR SHURE. YOU BETCHA IN VON MINIT OR TOO. PLEEZE GIVE RIGARDS TO LOAF OF BREAD FRIENDZ AT AGENTSY. HEH HEH HEH. MEANS CIA. RTE
Scores of video cassettes revealed the auditioning of Deniz Baykal body-doubles. Outtakes show Fethullah Gülen sitting in a director’s chair wearing a beret and smoking a cigar. Every time he yells “CUT!” he takes a drag on his stogie, blows smoke, then curses frantically.
15 automatic signature machines.
37 cash counting machines.
Barrels of dice. Cartons of playing cards. Cases of poker chips.
236 new copies of The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Treason, Blackmail, Falsification of Evidence and Embezzlement.
7,698 copies of How to Fool All the People All the Time.
11 copies of The Joys of Montage, Subterfuge and Sabotage.
4,789 copies of How to Plant Evidence and Ruin People’s Lives.
A truckload of hypodermic syringes.
The search continues. “It is astonishing how these religious hypocrites use crime in the name of God,” said Governor Corbett. “We will continue to press the attack at home. And we are pleased to hear from Colonel Balboa that the Turks are with us. Pennsylvania Kombat Kommand! Your immediate objectives are Ankara, the parliament and the prime minister! Forward!”
All Gülen Gang personnel were booked at the Saylorsburg police station. Under the terms and provisions of the Patriot Act of 2001 and the Espionage Act of 1917, the accused gang members were remanded to the Monroe County Correctional Facility in Stroudsburg pending completion of the investigation.
James (Cem) Ryan
8 August 2014